If I stopped lying...

I need to vent. As usual. Gussie, you can ignore this entry since you were present for most of it, lol. So Ronnie is in Wintergreen for some Outback convention thingy(supposedly). Now keep in mind, we're kinda together, kinda not. Not exactly sure what's going on. Anywho, so he had to spend last night at this thing. Now something about this whole "convention" seems kinda off to me. Supposedly, all these managers were going & now it seems like out of all those people going, Pete & Ronnie are the only ones who actually went. Pete used to work at our OB & transferred to Dale City or something. Now me being the paranoid person I am, I called OB to try to get a phone number for the hotel. No one had one, but Virginia didn't ask me what the hell I was talking about when I asked for it. So, I'll take it he's actually in Wintergreen.

So he left me w/o a contact number for him. And Caden has been sick. The only number I really have is Pete's cell. So I'm looking through the phone & call history & see Karo's number in the phone. Karo used to be Ronnie's drug supplier when he was dealing. He never really calls Karo so it seems suspicious to me that he's calling him right before he's supposed to go out of town. So I call Pete's cell to get ahold of Ronnie about this. Ronnie says Caden called Karo & tehn hangs up on me b/c he's pissed. Now, alert the media, b/c if my son called Karo I have a fucking baby genius. He would have to slide the phone open, hit the button, scroll to contacts & then scroll to Karo's number. My child is intelligent, but he doesn't have the motor skills for that yet. So basically I'm being lied to about something. And when I try calling Pete's cell, no one will answer. I leave a message saying I may have to take Caden to the doctor, no answer, no call back. He doesn't even care enough to call to see if his own child is OK. And what sort of dumbass blames something HE did on a 1 YEAR OLD?! Not just any 1 year old, it's his son. Ugh, I'm so fucking pissed right now. OK that is my rant, must go. Later

I don't want to be here anymore... I don't want to fucking deal eith all this shit.

I was reading back over my resolutions. So far it's the 8th day of the year & I've been doing horrendously. I got waaayyy too drunk last night, haven't been exercising, yadayada. My main thing is to get back to my old weight. For those who did not know this info, when I was pregnant I went from 130 to 200 lbs. Yes, 70 lbs. Average weight gain is 50. Now I'm down to 135, but I still want to lose 10 lbs. I have no freaking clue how to do this. I was contempplating fasting, but I think I'd be evil to everyone then. I have a really hard time with discipling myself to eat "healthy". Exercise bothers me. My plan is, starting tomorrow, to only eat yogurt & salad. God help us all. I could go on that 3 Special K bars a day diet. Hmmm. Must look into this. Later.

• What time is it now?: 7:59pm
• Outfit: Gray shorts & navy AE sweatshirt
• Hairstyle: Up, in a ponytail but not pulled all the way through, if that makes any sense
• Jewelry: claddagh

Do you:
• cut yourself: not purposefully
• lick yourself: I'm not a cat
• whine a lot: Hell yeah
• hate a lot of people: Not too many
• have too many friends: you can never have too many friends
• want to die: no
• have a bf/gf: nopers. single & happy about it
• wear dark colours: Yeah, I have, like, 564231 black shirts
• dye your hair: Nah, only highlighted it once
• have a crush?: Not really... I don't know.
• do they know?:
• do they like you?:
• what is his/her name:
• are they straight/bi/gay?:

Have you ever:
• kissed someone: yes
• gotten drunk: weekly occurence...
• worn rainbow: ummm... no. i don't think so
• talked on the phone for over 3 hours: yup
• had a party with over 30 people: not a clue
• taken nude pictures: not yet, but there's a first time for everything ;)
• stolen something: nope
• caught something on fire: psh, i feel quite certain i probably have
• cheated on someone: yes
• wanted to cheat on someone: ha, sometimes, yeah
• asked someone out: yes
• had a dream, then the next day it happens: i don't think so...

Last person:
• you touched: Baby Caden
• you talked to: Baby Caden in person, Jonathan online
• you hugged: Baby Caden
• you kissed: Baby Caden(wow, this is getting repetitive)
• you instant messaged: Jonathan
• who broke your heart: ronnie

Are you:
• understanding: I try to be
• open-minded: deinitely
• arrogant: hmmm, not sure
• interesting: sure
• hungry: nope
• smart: of course
• childish: I have a 1 year old, I have to have the mind frame sometimes
• hard working: sometimes
• healthy: minus this rib hurting thing, yeah
• emotionally stable: fuck no
• shy: around people i don't know
• difficult: course
• bored easily: yes
• thirsty: yes
• obsessed: depends
• angry: not right now
• sad: nope
• happy: sure
• trusting: depends on the person. if you haven't screwed me over, sure
• ill: my rib hurts. and my migraine.
• talkative: with people i know
• ignored: right now, no
• reliable: always
• sleepy: kinda
• lonely: in some ways

Info about yourself:
• what is your birth name?: Ashley Meredith Traber
• when is your birthday?: June 27, 1984
• do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: nope
• how tall are you?: 5'5"
• brothers/sisters?: 3 brothers

Favorites:
• what are your favorite band/artists?: Coldplay, u2, Smashing Pumpkins, Robbie Williams, Hanson(blame Guss)
• color(s)?: blue green
• Soda: sprite, mixes with vodka
• music?: pretty much whatever. i hate jazz though & most country
• stores in the mall?: AE, Hot Topic(they have whips!!), Express
• roller coaster?: Alpengeist at Busch Gardens
• candy?: Milky Way Midnight
• cd?: Coldplay-A Rush of Blood To The Head
• cookies?: Oreos
• juice?: Any. Except tomato
• holiday?: Christmas
• month?: June cause it's my birthday. Or January b/c of Babycakes bday

In the last 48 hours:
• cried?: yes
• missed someone?: yes
• yelled at someone?: yes
• changed your underwear?: yes
• drove somewhere?: yes
• talked to someone on the phone?: yes
• been online?: always
• smiled?: course
• had sex?: no. don't remind me. fuckers.
• kissed someone?: yes, baby caden night night
• hugged someone?: yes
• last thing you ate?: vegetarian burrito from chipotle

Have you ever:
• been in love: yes
• been in trouble with the police?: nope
• hit someone?: yes
• Broken Something?: yes
• betrayed a friend?: maybe
• skipped school?: college classes, lol
• Shot a gun?: nope
• broken something important?: i'm sure i probably have
• smoked weed?: yes
• smoked a cig?: yes, thinking about taking up the habit again
• dyed your hair?: nope

Okay, last questions:
• what is sitting next to you?: caden's weeble town center to the right & the front closet is to my right
• Are you Gay/Lesbian: nope
• killed someone?: nope
• kicked your cat for the hell of it?: i don't have a cat, so no
• who's your best friend: Gussers
• are you bored of taking this survey?: no
• what time is it now?: 8:26pm

Myspace is being a bitch. Yes, that's right, I sold out. Sold out to myspace. And now the thing is fucking me over. Damn you. See, this is why I didn't want to leave LJ. Fuckers. Nothing too fun has been happening here. Have a massive migraine. Stress and stuff. It's happening a lot lately, may need to go to the doctor and get it checked out. I hurt my rib again last night. Took a Vicodin, good times. Best sleep I've had in awhile.

I'm ready for a change. I'm desperately needing something different. I want to get out of the position I'm in right now. I know I'm the only thing that's keeping me here. In some ways, I'm happy. In other ways, not so much. I'm rambling, I'm going to end this & find a survey or something "constructive" for me to do. Later, love ya guys.

Have $10 and need to buy snacks at a gas station. What do you buy?
Something from Wawa, I'm sadly addicted to the pepperoni & cheese cup things.

If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?
Nothing b/c I hate stuff that's underwater.

Who's your favorite redhead?
Me. Duh.

Have you made out with anyone on your friend's list?
God I hope so seeing as how I had a child with one of them...

Describe your favorite pair of underwear
Black lacy boy cut ones

Describe the last time you were injured
Psh, I have bruises all over me. When haven't I injured myself?

Of all your friends, who "wouldn't" you want to work on a school project with?
Guss. Cause we'd say "screw the project, let's get drunk!"

Are there any odd things that make you feel uncomfortable?
If I'm at someone else's house(even my Mom's), and I open the fridge or something I'll feel really faint. It feels like I'm going to pass out. I'm a special child...

Tell me a weird story from your high school years
Hmmm... there was when Stein, Womble & all those guys broke into the Physics room, haha.

What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
I use Ronnie's cell(fucker broke mine) & it's a Redskins wallpaper I dl'ed for him

Soda?
Sprite b/c it mixes well with strawberry vodka

Flavor of pudding?
Chocolate cook & serve. I like to eat it when it's hot.

 What type of shirt are you wearing?
Short sleeved gray Old Navy one that I sleep in

Prescription medication?
Nada. Ooo... I do have some Vicodin left but that doesn't really count. I only take that for sleeping or if my ribs start hurting again

If you could use only one form of transportation for the rest of your life?
Not a clue...

How many people are on your friends list?
Only a few b/c not many people knew I had this thing. There was a bad experience with my last LJ(it's how my mom found out I was pregnant with Caden. Whoops.)

What are you listening to right now?
Was Tom Petty, now "April Fools" by Rufus Wainwright

Most recent movie you watched?
Phantom of the Opera yesterday.

Name 3 things you have on you at all times
Keys, Chapstick, wallet

Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
receive

Name a teacher you had the hots for
Psh, no one over here even compares to the hottie teachers that were in Italy. lol. Hoenstly I never thought any of my teachers were that hot.

What is a saying that you use a lot?
Your mom

What's one piece of advice that you think should be passed on to every child?
That you should actually listen to your parents

How many people on your friends list are ex's?
One

What's your favorite city?
Rome, Italy

How did your last relationship end?
Mutual, all we did was fight. Hell we aren't even together & it's all we do.

What's the first word that comes to mind right now?
Fuck

When was the last time you saw your dad in person?
Christmas

When was the last time you saw your mom in person?
Last night when I went to pick up Caden

What's the best insult you've ever heard or said?
Your mom

Who got you to join myspace?
I don't use myspace

What did you have for dinner LAST NIGHT?
clam chowder from outback

How long have you been at your current job?
feb 2004, almost 2 years

Is Tom on your friends list?
I don't have a Tom on there

What's the last thing you said out loud?
bye to my mom

Look to your left, what is there?
Shoes b/c the front door is over there

What is the last thing/person you spent over $100 on?
Caden

Who is your favorite villain?
Melificent from Sleeping Beauty

Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A sweatshirt from my mom

Whats the last piece of clothing you bought?
Nikes from Kohls last night. My attempt to try to get myself going to the gym.

What word makes you laugh no matter where, when or how?
Not a clue

What website do you visit the most during the day?
LJ or fredericksburg.com

Go into your text message log on your phone whats the last one you received?
Guss saying "Not yet"

What are you doing later tonight?
Sleeping b/c I think I'm getting sick

Do you have plants in your room?
Nope

If you could drink anything right this second, what would be?
Iced tea.

Last piece of e-mail opened?
Something about me changing my Yahoo password

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My sinuses

What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
Dunno

Last alcoholic drink?
miller Light on new years

Do you own a picture phone?
ha, Ronnie does.

What were you doing last night at 10?
Sleeping. I had to be up early for work today.

Do you exercise as much as you should?
I try to do sit ups every day...

Did you do the deed on prom night?
Nope, I was a good girl

Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
I did and I was a moron for doing so

***SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS***

Something purple within 5 feet of you
A ring on Caden's exersaucer.

The sexiest item of clothing you own
My black tank top maybe? it has a strip on the front that's see through & the back is see through.

The weirdest thing you've ever heated in the microwave?
Nothing I can think of.

Do you look good in yellow?
yes

Do you sing?
for Caden & in my car

Ever danced in front of a crowd?
Do school dances & weddings count?

Do you spit?
Nope

Is your hair long enough to chew on?
yes

Least favorite color?
Orange

Ever had Dippin' Dots?
yes, i love them

Ever played an instrument?
trumpet, piano(although not amazingly well)

Ever been to a palm reader?
no

Did you have a good weekend?
yes

Current yearning?
sleep

Have you ever had a black eye?
no

How is the day going for you?
ok i guess. boring.

Current disappointment
that i'm getting sick :( makes me sad.

Figured I should write up the resolutions for the year.
~Be a better mother. I always feel like I'm never doing enough. This year, I'm going to try to feel... settled with the things I do for Caden
~work out a cleaning schedule, so I won't be so stressed all the time
~Lose at least 10 lbs.
~Start eating healthier, not so many sweets/junk/alcohol
~Read at least once a day to Caden, try to find mind stimulating activites for him
~Be happy
~Work on having a friendship with Ronnie. If something more comes out of it, so be it.
~Try to be more understanding with certain things
~Do sit-ups every day, at least 100.

That's all I can think of for right now, I'm sure more will come...

I found out about an hour ago that my grandfather has had 2 strokes in the past 3 days. One on Wednesday, one Thursday. He also has a brain tumor. He's not old by any means, only 65. He's currently at Duke University's hospital. Apparently he knows the head of the hospital so they're treating him amazingly well. I cried when Mom told me, my grandpa is one of the most important influences in my life. I don't know what to do. I want to take off work & just go see him. They won't know until Monday if the tumor is cancerous, that's when they're running the tests. I started yelling that they need to do the tests now, Mom told me they were trying to get the best doctors in. So, basically my Grandpa could be dying slowly, but you want to wait to make sure that you can get someone in who can tell you the same fucking thing Doogie Howser could? I've been shaking... I hate being this far away & feeling so helpless. He can talk & all of that, but what if something else happens? What if the next time the stroke kills him? I know I can sit here all night & play "What if" and it's not healthy. I just don't know what to do. I'm sobbing again, I don't want him to die. I don't want to sit here & get all my hopes up that everything's going to be ok. I know that's a shitty way of looking at things, but it's just kinda how I am. I gotta go, I'm crying too hard to do this right now.

Ever feel like you've aged about 10 years in 5 minutes? Let's think about this. I'm 21. Most people my age are getting trashed. Not granted, I've done my share of ripping into the alcohol this week, but I don't usually go out to drink. My hot plans for the night? Doing laundry. Doing laundry & then saying "hey, maybe tomorrow I should clean the bathroom up." Then realization hits. I have turned into a 40 year old housewife. Seriously, might as well just stick me on Desperate Housewives. I could replace the anal redhead. Now this isn't a post of "wow, I wish I hadn't had a kid at 20, blahdeblah." I love my son more than anything else in the world. And I do have the option of going out sometimes. But I lok at everyone around me who has the life that I had a few years ago, and I get sad. I never really had a chance to be young, ya know? I went to school & basically slept it away. When I came back home, I was under my parent's rule. When I moved in with Ronnie, I was under his rule. Now I have Caden & I can't exactly go to a bar every night. I just kinda wish I would've taken advatage of certain situations more.

I hate where I'm working and really just don't like where I am in life. But I'm not really sure what I need to do to get out. I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck. Part of me wants to move. But if I move, I obviously leave everything behind. My friends, family, everything. Ronnie might be moving to Burke, which means I'm going to be doign this whole single mommy thing. He said that I could go with him, but I don't know if I exactly see a point. I mean, things suck now, I might end up resenting him if I move. Plus, who knows where the hell I would work. I just seriously hate everything. I want something different. Ugh. OK I don't want to think anymore, I'm gonna go watch TV. Later.

Heh, I stole this from Carley from a loooong time ago. And I was so up to number 10 & Caden just pushed something & messed it all up...

1} Last thing you burned while attempting to cook?
Grilled cheese, but it was awhile ago. Like after I first found out I was pregnant.

2} Describe yourself in three words:
drunk, crazy, sleepy

3} How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
30-45 mins.

4} Favorite place to blow $50
target

5} How many people have you thought were "the one"?
2

6} What is something that turns you off from the opposite sex?
Having no common sense

7} What kind of car do you drive?
2005 silver Honda Civic

8} What's in your CD player/ipod right now?
Right now I switched to BEP "My Humps". In my car is a CD with Hanson, Robbie Williams & Kanye West

9} What celebrity would you have coffee with?
Robbie Williams, he's hot and has an accent

10} What celebrity would you NOT have coffee with?
Michael Jackson, he scares me

11} What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Some Crest stuff

12} What time do you go to bed?
Depends. Anywhere from 9-2

13} Last movie you saw?
Sylvia. It's about Sylvia Plath & has Gwyneth Paltrow. Actually pretty good.

14} Last TV show you watched?
Blue's Clues

15} Who is your best friend?
Gussie

16} Who in your family do you best get along with?
Baby Caden

17} Who do you have a crush on?
I'm not telling ;)

18} What time is it right now?
3:59pm

19} Are you planning a vacation/travel?
Thinking about going to Lynchburg some time soon for some stuff

20} When/Where was the last time you traveled?
I can't eveb remember

21} How many times have you been in love?
Eh, been in what I thought was love too many times to count.


22} How old will you be in 10 years?
31

23} Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Married, more babies!

24} Sinful snacking weakness?
Kits Kats...

25} Rollercoasters?
Alpengeist at Busch Gardens

26} Ever run out of gas?
Nope, I freak out about that stuff

27} Ever been on a train?
Yeah from Venice to Trieste when I went to Italy

28} Ever been on a blind date?
Nope

29} Ever been to Europe?
Yeah in 8th grade

30} What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for one day?
Don't have a clue.

31} Would you tell anyone it was really you?
Nahhhh

32} Ever been arrested?
nope

33} Have a crush on anyone you work with?
nope

34} What is something you believe in?
chocolate. heh.

35} What is something you fear?
spiders, dying alone, take your pick...

36} Big or small?
ummm... big

37} What is the worst physical or emotional pain you have ever experienced?
i dunno when i ate that brazil nut & my wind pipe swelled up that sucked...

38} What is your favorite television show?
probably the real world

39} Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in a picture?
psh, i couldn't work photoshop if my life depended on it

40} Tell us something about your childhood.
I was a perfect little angel back then

41} What would it cost for you to flash the person next to you?
no one's around me, so pretty cheap.

42} Best time to catch you in a good mood?
when i'm around someone i like & not the dumbasses at work

43} If you could be anything for one day, what would it be?
I'd be a puppy cause everyone loves puppies!

44} Most prized possession?
Baby Caden, he's miiiineeeeee.

45} Would you ever sell it/how much?
Course not, he's just a little Baby Cake!

46} What is one of your pet peeves?
My customers at work who have no fucking sense. "I put in www.geicodotcom & it's not working!" Yeah, no shit Sherlock. Try www.geico.com

47} Favorite kind of ice cream?
Maggie Moo's Cheesecake

48} Coolest thing that happened today?
I got to kick Phillip(my supervisor) in the leg. He let me.

Ahhh, the Hanson show update. You knew it was coming. So after getting lost in friggin DC(I hate that damn city), we finally found the 9:30 club. So go in, get pretty decent spots kinda up front on the ground level. First band was good, hot ass lead singer. Pat McGhee made me want to go to sleep. Boring until they sang their last 2 songs. There was this damn girl who kept screaming that she loved Pat. Then she had an asthma attack so it was like "(puff)I(puff)LOVE(puff)YOU!" Crazy shit. Saw Natalie(Taylor's wife) & their 2 kids, Penelope & Ezra. Ezra was dancin with a sippy cup hanging outta his mouth. Penelope got pretty pink headphones. I wanted some damn headphones. Then came Hanson. Sweet Mother of God, I wanted to lay on the floor in the fetal position & wait for the crushing to stop. Chicks went fucking nuts. It was an awesome show, even though we only stayed for, like, half the set. We were tired, our legs hurt & people were just acting crazy. I was so scared. I've never seen girls act so... rabid before. I got pics developed today. I guess they were decent. I have a TON of Isaac, but not really any of Zac or Tay. They were too far away & it was too dark. But yes, it was a pretty good time. I kinda want to go see them again. Muhahaha.

I've been thinking a lot today about things. Basically how unhappy I am & how I can change it. I hate my job. Hate hate. I know that makes me sound bratty b/c with the way our country is, I should be lucky to even have a job. But it's not what i want to do. I want to do something that's actually helping people. I want to be a teacher, a nurse, something. I just feel like I'm wasting my time here, ya know? Like there's something else I need to be doing, something bigger than this.

Topic two: my relationship. I'm immensely unhappy & just feel like Ronnie has no time for me. And he really doesn't. I want someone who I know cares about me. I'm honestly just about ready to give up. I don't think nice guys exist. Seriously. Maybe I just need time to find out who I am, what I want. I'm just so bored & unhappy with my life. I want to see the world, live in another country, find my soulmate, have more kids, go back to school. There's so much & I'm not even paying attention to these things b/c I think they're either impossible or I just feel like I'm stuck in the 'burg. I just want to be doing something better than this, it's just frustrating. Well I'm off to play with BAbycakes before his bedtime. Later.

I love when you're honest, but you get in massive trouble for it. I just want a normal functioning relationship. But I think it's probably way past that. Dating other people, having him date other people is going to be weird as shit. Ya know, to think the next person he dates could be Caden's stepmom. That's just way too freaky. OK, bad comparison, my relationship reminds me of the dumb Jessica girl & Jason on Laguna Beach. Minus the Alex thing. And yeah, I'm only comparing b/c that's what I'm watching right now. Seriously though, he treats the girl like shit & she just stays around.
I want the old Ronnie back. But something tells me I have to go get 5123164 lbs. of marijuana to get him back. Although I'm sure he wants the old me back. But a lot of how I am now has to do with the lies he told me. Oh God, Guss I'm watching this whole Laguna thing and Jessica's all calling Kristin crying & she's all coming over to make sure she's OK. They're like you & me. Awwww. OK I need to end this b/c my sad life is relating back to Laguna. Ronnie, I do love you, I want things to work, but I want the old you back.

Just realized tomorrow is Sept. 11th. Great. Sept 11th has always been weird for me, since the whole thing happened. Part of me feels sad for what happened, another part knows relatives of the people who died must hate reliving this on TV every year as they tape from Ground Zero. Nicole(my stepdad's cousin) lost the love of her life in the attack, he worked in the WTC. She can't even get off the subway anywhere near where the WTC was w/o crying. OK enough with the depressing, John Mayer's hair is fucked up looking on this hurricane thing. Needs to invest in some scissors. And he's completely changed his sound. I don't like it.

Blah. I'm in kind of a weird mood. I dunno, got a lot of stuff in my head. I want to get away for a few days, just try to figure out everything. Part of me wants to pack up Babycake & never come back. Find someone new, just get rid of the shit forever b/c I know I'm never going to be worth any time. Another part wants to believe things will get better. Wants to believe that people don't really change, don't get bitter as time goes on & they still have the potenital to be how they used to. A lot of shit has happened in 2 years. Lies, hurt... just way too much. I've honestly been through things that I never thought I'd have to. Slowly dying inside, but you're too busy to acknowledge how unhappy I am. How everything has just been pent up & I've spent 2 years wondering if I ever mattered to you. If my opinions ever mattered. And then I realize, they never did & they never will.

Heh. My star has sunglasses on it. Anywhooooo, met my new grandmother person today. She's nice enough I guess. Made some huge ass production about showing off her engagement ring & wedding ring. Of course, her engagement ring is about the size of a mini boulder. And probably costs half of my salary for a year. Ugh, completely random but they're doing some segment on MTV about Fall Out Boy. They bother me. Can't understand a damn thing they're saying half the time b/c the music is so loud. And Sequoia will probably shoot me for saything that. lol. And the lead singer is ugly. And someone needs to tell one of them to lay off the makeup. He's wearing more than I do.
Let's see... Sir Babycakes has his MRI tomorrow, poor thing. He's found new face to make. He scrunches his nose up like he's smelled something awful. Goofball. He's just gettin too big. He saw his Gussie today & she made him cry. A lot.(I'm just kidding Gussie) Well i am off to watch the MTV awards. Coldplay live. Oooo... Later!

Finally updating again. Kinda hard to do with Sir Babycakes. He's getting crazy big. Makes me sad cause he's all growing up. Let's see... me & Gussie are going to see Hanson on Oct. 30th. You know you're jealous. All part of my ploy to get Isaac Hanson. I swear the boy is waaayyy hotter than the "Mmmbop" days. Must figure out how the hell to get to the 9:30 Club though. And then Gussie must have sex with one of the Hanson boys to make her mother proud. lol
Nothing else has really been going on too much. Don't know what's up with me & Ronnie. Work is shitty, I wish sometimes I could quit. It's just getting too freakin busy & you don't even get a moment to breathe in between calls. Drives me CRAZY. Welp I am off to get Caden to bed. Later.

To quote Gussie from the other night, "when did things start getting so complicated?" I mean, life never really was simple, but it used to be a lot fucking simplier than right now. I don't know what I want anymore. Well I kinda do, but Isaac Hanson is not available to me right now. Just kidding. Seriously though, I'm thinking about a lot of things, what I thought I wanted, what I do want. I want someone to take care of me. I want to live my life, to be happy. I want all the things that I had maybe 2 years ago. Well, a little less than 2 years. I want to be a good mommy to Sir Babycakes. He's my first priority, then me. And a lot of the time Ronnie ranks higher than me. I hate the fact that I sacrifice myself a lot to make others happy. Things that I want, I just ignore or let pass me by b/c I'm too busy trying to do stuff for whomever. I look way too much in other people for acceptance & approval. Part of me just wants to leave. Leave here, leave all of this bullshit. Actually that's the majority of me. I would love to move to California or somewhere. I'm so unhappy, there's too much history in this town & I just want to escape.
I know the things I need to do, I'm just scared of being by myself. Scared of what's going to happen. I want to be happy. Completely. I want to be happy with Ronnie, but he's not going to change the way that he is, and shouldn't have to for me. We're too different. And yet, it's still hard to say goodbye. To just say "fuck it, it's over" & completely step away from the situation. I know I'm not going to get out of the rut I'm in if I stay with him, but damn saying bye sucks. 2 years worth of history, ya know? We had a baby together, but things just are not working out at all. I hate the whole "single motherhood" idea, scares the crap outta me. Makes me scared of being by myself forever. Ugh. I should probably end this, I have to go to sleep for work tomorrow. Later.

Yeah, I'm writing again. Twice in one day, highly unusual. I was thinking about some stuff, reading Ronnie's journal. Contrary to what a lot of people may believe, I'm not unapproachable. Yes, I do have a bit of a temper, everyone does & everyone has their breaking points. But how are things supposed to get better when you don't talk to me? You go to someone else to talk b/c that person "understands" you. Knowing how insecure I am, how much everything hurts, you're going to confide your innermost feelings into another female. I know you say I don't listen, but I do. I just don't know what to say to make you feel better, it's easier for me to be like "well this makes me feel this way." Ugh, I just wanna give up sometimes...

Nothin too much has been going on lately. Went over to Dad's last night for the first time in forever. Nathan & Noah(1 year old twin brothers) remind me of those 2 Siamese cats in Lady & the Tramp. They were plotting to piss Caden off, were grabbing his legs & arms & making him cry. Apparently Caden is scared to death of my Dad & would cry anytime he came near him. Hmmm, Ronnie wants me to come to Outback in 15 minutes. I don't think I want to. I'll just drive all the way up there & be ignored. Or have all these people I can't fucking stand come up & try to talk to me. Ugh. Rather not, thanks. Completely random, but I'm watching America's Next Top Model & these kids have these giant pull toys. And they look like guinea pigs & stuff. These things are huge... I want one. Told you it was random. Anywho, I am off to watch some more TV. Great...

Crappy weekend. Ronnie was in a pissy mood Friday b/c Dave isn't going to be proprietor anymore. He's going to New York or something. Then last night, he had to put in a freaking 16 hour day. He was supposed to be off around 7 & ended up getting home around 10. Great. Spends more time there then with me. Speaking of which, there's now an Outback commercial on TV. It's a sign. That the restaurant is Satan. I'm going to try to be better with this, but it's difficult when you get nothing in return. Sucks ass actually. Side note, Kahlua White Russians suck. Anywho i think I am off to bed, I will write more later...